In Our Own Hands

The Story of Our Unassisted Birthing Experience

It was incredible to receive so many words of resonance as I shared about our journey to home birth in my last blog post.

I feel like with each birthing experience I’ve had comes a whole new layer of growth and expansion. My ability to ‘hold’ everything in life increases, my intuition is deepened, my sense of purpose is re-awakened and creative energy is at an all time high. This is true for a lot of women when we are empowered to birth our children on our own terms and are allowed to revel in the slowness of the postpartum phase.

Then fast forward three months post-birth and the story changes somewhat! When you’re knee-deep in piles of laundry, haven’t found time to utilize the creative energy that is pouring through and you’re now opting to sleep as soon as you have the chance instead of staying up late to paint or write or sing. 

But juggling our creative endeavors while also being deep in this season of early motherhood is a whole other thing! 

This blog is actually about the free-birth of our second baby. 

To set the scene I’ll take a step back for a minute.

In early 2019, Kush, our baby girl Nyah (who was about 15 months old) and I just landed back in Australia after living in India for the previous 1 year. 

We came back to Australia equipped with new knowledge we were eager to share and a vision to start a business. We settled in Byron Bay that year and established our business selling cotton garments I had designed and handmade jewelry at the markets. Kush taught yoga and I picked up some shifts in a local cafe. The financial pressure of living in Australia as compared to India hit us hard and we worked tirelessly to make ends meet.

In July of that year I felt an incredibly strong sense that it was time to bring forth new life once again. We had always talked about having a big family and despite our financial struggles and somewhat unsettled living arrangement, I knew it was time and I knew we would be supported by Jah (The Almighty) to continue our part in creation.

So on the full moon of July 2019, our baby was consciously conceived. I remember the moment exactly. The way my husband looked into my eyes, the sounds of my baby girl sleeping soundly in the next room, the darkness that enveloped us all in that little bush cabin. 

Everything in our lives at that point was uncertain, except the fact that we knew we were destined to be parents of many children. 

After the smooth and painless pregnancy experience with our first baby, I was expecting the same to be true for this one. And it mostly was, except for the oppressive morning sickness that came over me for a few days in those early weeks. 

In April 2020, birthing time was finally upon us. We had made a cozy nest in a rented home at the base of Pomona mountain. Kush and I felt empowered and capable of free-birthing our baby unassisted, this time in complete solitude. 

Being mid-covid lock-down this was our best option. But to clarify - this would have been our choice regardless of the chaos that was unfolding around the world outside of our cozy bubble. 

Leading up to this birth I embraced hours of inner work. I had to delve deep within my subconscious mind to bring to light any and all fears that I had around free-birth. 

Even though I had a smooth birthing experience with our first baby, I had still been completely brainwashed by the media growing up. I had images of traumatic cinema births etched into my memory and my own birth trauma deeply imprinted into my psyche.

What if something goes wrong? What if I have to go to the hospital? What if my baby can’t breathe? What if my baby is stillborn? 

These were the types of fears that surfaced during this pregnancy and if I'm honest, the third one too!

But I allowed them to surface and that allowed me to work through them. If I was to not acknowledge these fears, I knew they would surface during my labor process and that would impact the labour in a negative way.

Birthing our Second Baby

It was about 2am, the morning after our ‘due date’. The same time as it was when I felt the very beginnings of labor with our firstborn. You can read that story here:

I was still in bed, my husband was sound asleep. Having experienced it just 2 years earlier, I was familiar with these sensations and knew what was happening. So I stayed in bed and allowed the gentle surges to wash over me as I drifted in and out of sleep. Excited and ready, but at the same time knowing I should conserve my energy, I stayed in bed for as long as possible.

A few hours later, maybe about 5am I rose and went to the bathroom. I was shocked - blood had begun to leak onto my underwear. This didn’t happen last time. I was aware that the mucus plug may release early in labour or that perhaps my waters would ‘break’ like they do in the movies - but what about bright red blood? 

I recounted all the books I’d read and the conversations I’d had with other mamas about their births and the things I’d learned from our birth keeper last time. But at that moment I couldn’t piece together what was happening.

But it didn’t matter. The surges were now coming in steady and strong. I woke my husband to tell him what was happening. He was not at all concerned about the blood and his relaxedness helped me to also relax. So we just went about the morning and made preparations. 

Kush set up the birthing pool in the space I’d so lovingly prepared with affirmations stuck onto the wall, incense and candles. I got into the pool straight away, remembering the comfort of the hot water that I’d felt last time. It was like a safety net and a soothing relief to be engulfed in the warm water. 

I spent the next few hours in the water. Our 2 year old came in and out of the pool, playing, pouring water over my back and keeping me company while papa made food and fresh juice. The situation remained like this for what seemed like many many hours, but in reality it must have only been about 3. 

I think we may have timed the space between my contractions at one point, and they were surely coming along quicker and more powerfully. 

Now, with each contraction came big gushes of blood from between my legs into the water. I raised concern again, but because everything else felt completely normal and in alignment, neither of us were very worried. 

Kush suggested I move my body or change positions, but I was scared to move because I felt like I’d found a position where I could really ‘control’ the pain. 

What I didn’t realize at that time was because I was so focused on controlling the pain, I missed the opportunity to completely surrender to it, like I feel like I did the first time.

So I stayed in this half kneeling half squatting positon for many hours, thinking it would serve us best, but really what was happening was this.

I had the memory of our first birth in the forefront of my mind and because I knew what was coming, I felt scared of the pain. The lack of movement and fluidity was stalling the progress and my rigid breathing was not doing much to allow for complete inward focus and surrender. I remember constantly checking the clock and feeling disappointed when I realized another hour had passed and nothing much had happened.

Finally, at about 8.30am, the pool water now deep-red with blood, my energy reserves almost completely gone, I began to feel light headed and faint. Kush said to me, it’s time to move. So I did.

I mustered up the courage and strength to move and as soon as I changed positions my body transitioned into pushing. Finally!

With the first massive push, our baby’s head emerged and I knew instantly he was our Zion. Our boy. 

I was squatting comfortably and I reached down to touch his precious head, his body still yet to emerge. I felt around and I could feel that the umbilical chord was wrapped around his neck.

Panic washed over me in that moment, but mixed with adrenaline I somehow knew what to do. I told Kush what was happening and to get the blunt-nosed-scissors I had kept in our ‘just in case’ emergency stash. 

With the next great surge and spontaneous push, our boy’s body was born followed quickly by the placenta. The cord was wrapped a few times around his neck quite tightly. His body was completely limp and his skin was blue-ish in colour. 

I told Kush to come and try and cut the chord straight away. But in that split second I had this instinctual feeling to just try and loosen the chord. 

Everything was slippery, I was shaking and my vision was also a little bit blurred. But despite all of that we were able to loosen the chord. I can’t remember clearly if it was me or Kush who unraveled the umbilical chord, but we did it and I felt temporarily so relieved. 

But our baby still hadn’t taken his first breath. His little body was limp and still. I must have been high with adrenaline, oxytocin and cortisol running rampant because I remembered exactly what to do. 

We gently shook his hands, blew cool air on his face, tapped his body and placed him on his belly on my arm in a drainage position where any obstruction could clear from his mouth and nose. 

Time has a way of standing still in those moments. I can’t remember through all of that how long it took for him to take a breath, but he did! 

A huge sigh of relief, we did it! By ourselves, on our own terms, completely unassisted. Our boy was earthside and we were so happy and relieved. I called out to our daughter to come and meet her brother. She had been immersed in Peppa Pig in the next room for the final stages of his birth and was somewhat disappointed to learn she did not have a baby sister! 

After the birth I checked myself, relieved to find that again I didn’t have a vaginal tare. I sent a prayer of thanks to the Most High and felt deep gratitude for our birth-keeper Jenny who taught me basically everything I needed to free-birth our baby safely at home.

We lay for hours on our day bed while papa made food and cleaned up the birthing space. I learned so much about birth, babies and myself during that birthing experience. It was not the serene and completely peaceful birth that I had experienced the first time and it came with layers of stress and panic. But I wouldn’t change anything because this experience informed how I would move through labour and birth for the third time, two years later. 

But that’s a whole other story!